You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
