How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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