She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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