I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
