i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think my moral compass just broke
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
