today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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