u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
