My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
