Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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