I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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