Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
