Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
