Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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