Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
