Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
