guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
