My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
