Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
