I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
