Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize