I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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