So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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