They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize