No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
