you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
