my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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