The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
