You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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