it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
