I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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