She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
