I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
