My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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