Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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