I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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