can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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