Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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