Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize