i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
