i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
