How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Will exercising make me less horny?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
