Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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