Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
