Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
