Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How external is "for external use only"?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
