the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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