before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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