Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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