i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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