Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Randomize
