You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
