Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
