hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
