I'm going to jail i love you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
