I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
