Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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